0004 | Pew pew

Not all of these entries will be worth a damn. Sometimes I'll just have to get something off my mind. Some days looking outward takes up the space that looking inward took the day before. Or I don't want to record the most honest thing for posterity. That shit's private, man.

I haven't reached anything that's too precious to examine out loud yet. Even still, sometimes I hit a rich vein, sometimes I'm just digging. I think today I'm just showing up and working the program. Not that program. Ben and I will probably enjoy a yummy bourbon this evening and watch the sun set behind the western mountain range.

I had a third phone interview with K2 today. My brain is fully engaged. I am on fire. I might throw up. Just considering going back to work in corporate America sends me into a spin. I'm vibrating and having a difficult time pinpointing whether it's fear, excitement, or a visceral reaction to the idea of re-entering a world that largely resists beauty and soul with all of its might. Maybe it's a combination of all three.

Reading my list of what would drive me to accept a position in corporate America, I decided it was too silly and full of corporate propaganda to publish. Tucked among some really good and some terribly stupid reasons for wanting to go back to work, I am unable to deny the fact that I, in my love of shape-shifting, look forward to a new professional wardrobe. A pencil skirt and classic, pointy heels make me feel invincible. I'd feel differently if I was being chased down a dark alley in such an outfit, but in front of a whiteboard, the world is my oyster.

And among the reasons I wouldn't go back? It's too embarrassing. Don't make me say it. I really hate this part.

Fear. The dumbest reast reason in the world not to do a thing that isn't going to kill you or cause you harm. Do I fear that office life will suck my soul? Not in the least. My soul is enormous. I fear failure. The part in the beginning when you don't know anything. The looking like a fool part. Is this a realistic fear? I don't know. I don't know in situations where you're supposed to know is generally yes. I have ridiculously low self-confidence in a world that measures people by their external ambitions and quantifiable achievements rather than the juicy, sticky stuff like curiosity, creativity, compassion, capacity for love. I am not at all arguing that there is no place for ambition and achievements--I just get a litlle freaked out in a crowd, especially when I'm in the minority. I take responsilibilty for my own feelings about it.

What do I have to prove? What do I have to gain? What do I have to lose? Where does my ego fit in to all this? Hopefully not right smack in the middle of everything. I'll be interrogating myself for the answer to that on my walk this evening.

I had to meditate for a few minutes before my phone call because my heart was racing and my mind was wandering at high speeds, a sure way to get into an accident. I gave myself a little mantra for the call: I seek clarity; I desire nothing. It helped. And I'm still working on that one three hours after the call ended.

I should really choose to focus my attention where it is required. I'm pretty sure that in the bigger picture, my anxiety over sucking in a corporate setting is both unfounded and ridiculous. It's ridiculous because it doesn't really matter. There are more important questions to be asked and answered. What is my super power? My secret weapon? What is my life's work? What do I enjoy? What do I love? What's important? What really, really matters? It seems that asking questions might just be my life's work. It is what I appear to do best, what I most enjoy.

So, where do I want to point this ray gun?